Sorry to do this to ya, but I happened to catch this atrocity on VH1 this past weekend—and if I must suffer, so too must you.
This is New Kids on the Block’s brand new comeback single… that’s right, girls, they’re back! Unfortunately, no one was kind enough to tell them that the most recent boy-band craze has long since passed; this video looks like it’s been stuck in the vault since Y2K. But since they insist on releasing it, I’m obligated to make fun of it for you:
* What’s up with the huge texting letters on Donnie’s phone? Is that like a large-print BlackBerry for old people? I think you can special-order those.
* Helicopters, boats, hundred-thousand-dollar cars… don’t these guys know we’re in a recession? They could’ve at least carpooled.
* A hint to all music video directors: Say you have a band member who… strongly resembles a great ape. Probably not the best idea to shoot him running through jungle foliage. Just throwing that out there.
* Okay, in all seriousness, I feel bad for Jon, who has horribly debilitating panic attacks (anybody remember his appearance on Oprah?), and obviously got talked into doing this by the other guys. Jon, stay strong: This whole “comeback” business will all be over soon enough.
* So did Donnie get that unbuttoned white shirt/white pants outfit from the Boy Band Thrift Store? I hope he washed it first. Joey Fatone sweats like you wouldn’t believe.
* Because I know you’re wondering: The New Kids today range from age 35 (Joey) to 39 (Danny and Jon)—and the girls crawling all over them range from age 18 to 18-and-a-half.
* This song sounds like a 98 Degrees B-side. Good call releasing a song called “Summertime” in early June, though. That’s why music executives make the big bucks.
* Now we’ve switched locales to a party in a beach hut… that requires a bouncer? That is one exclusive hut.
* I’m really expecting Puff Daddy to pop up at this party any minute. No, not P. Diddy—Puff Daddy. With a bandana-ed J.Lo on his arm.
* I like how they’re taking advantage of the whole “Latin” craze that’s going on right now. Maybe they can get Ricky Martin to sing on their next single! Seriously, someone please tell me this video was shot eight years ago. I would feel a lot better.
* Oh good Lord—a dance sequence. This video just went from pointless to hilarious. Because that’s what the kids go crazy for these days: Guys in their late 30s in matching outfits dancing in a line!
* Are they doing the same exact moves they did back in the “(You Got It) The Right Stuff” video? I’m afraid to check. The digitally inserted crowd seems to love it, though.
* And off they go—back into obscurity.
Now my age group is prime NKOTB territory (I remember girls wearing those huge buttons with the Kids’ faces on them in 7th grade), so if any of you have any New Kids memories, or wanna stick up for your childhood crushes, let me hear it in the Comments.
